One would think that being addicted to love is a positive spiritual force we should all aspire to obtain. Yet love addiction is as painful and destructive as any other addictive behavior be it drugs, alcohol, sex or food.
See if the questions below signify how you show love to others. Does a part of you fear abandonment? Do you secretly wish someone would rescue you? Can you be needy or reactive? Do you have trouble setting strong boundaries? Do you tend to care take and become co-dependent? And most importantly, are you attracted to partners that are distant or withholding? If so, you may exhibit some of the characteristics of a Love Addict.
(Click Here for Free Workbook PDF on Creating Healthy Love Bonds)
Love addicts either had controlling abusive parents or parents that neglected them. It is Love Addicts’ inability to bond in a healthy manner and develop true intimacy that is at the core of their challenge.
In fact, Love Addicts often attract Love Avoidants. A Love Avoidant is someone who is afraid to connect deeply and who tends to distance himself from his partner through various activities such as…sitting in front of a computer/T.V., drinking/drugs and/or working too much.
Love Avoidants also tend to have a sex addiction where they numb out, engage in fantasy or receive stimulation from sexual activities such as porn, prostitutes, and/or affairs.
Both the Love Addict and the Love Avoidant’s unhealthy behaviors create biochemical changes in the centers of their brains so if they were to alter their addictive ways of being in relationship, they would both go into withdrawal. This is why finding Choice Points for behavior change can feel so difficult.
Fundamentally Love Addicts and Love Avoidants’ issues are two sides of the same coin. They both have an attachment disorder. The Love Addicts attachment challenge is to cling to their partner, set outrageous standards for perfection that no one could reasonably meet. And yet when deep connection is offered, they will find some means to sabotage its success.
Love Addicts need constant approval and reassurance of their value. In addition, A Love Addict’s sense of worth is too often defined by another person and not defined through a healthy dose of self-esteem.
The Love Avoidant’s unhealthy attachment defense is to remain distant and only when their Love Addict partner kicks them out-does the Love Avoidant’s abandonment issues come to the forefront. They come rushing back with empty promises that they will change and “do better”.
You can be a love addict to your child, your family or to your partner. In essence, Love Addicts become enmeshed and biochemically addicted to the unhealthy bonding and a co-dependent relationship. The withdrawal from a love addiction can result in illness, re-wounding, depression and/or suicide.
SOLUTIONS
Love Addicts must be willing to (1) admit to their addictive behavior and (2) become willing to go into withdrawal, (3) heal their co-dependency and (4) heal their trauma and attachment challenges.
Whether you are a true love addict or not, we all can learn something from Pia Mellody’s ground breaking book Facing Love Addiction. It provides a detailed summary of this growing issue and tangible solutions so you can:
1) find the courage to identify unhealthy relationship behavior,
2) move through the biochemical and emotional withdrawal, and
3) heal the trauma so you develop healthy positive relationships and out of co-dependency.
In Mind Energy Body (Me-B) Transformation we teach a 5-Step Advanced Mindfulness Process and a formula called “3-Rings of Healing” to help you:
- own your unhealthy defenses,
- understand their roots and
- transform the energy of the pain and trauma feeding this addiction.
In essence, Love Addicts and Love Avoidants must learn how to energetically connect the consciousness of their 4th Chakra (Heart) with their 2nd Chakra (sexual energy and personal power). This means they are able to have deep emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual connection.
Mind Energy Body Transformation teaches you how to connect to emotional pain and life challenge as energy that can be transformed into higher consciousness of your spiritual wholeness.
Join our one-day introduction ( and learn an advanced consciousness-raising process where you master the skills to re-wire your brain’s reactivity, anchor deeper into your spiritual wholeness, and learn to self regulate your mind and energetic systems back to wholeness! Learn how emotional pain and life challenge can become a portal to reconnect you to your higher self.
OTHER RESOURCES FOR LOVE and SEX ADDICTION
– Michael Barta drmbarta@gmail.com and Wendy Conquest wendyconquest@yahoo.com run a clinic in Boulder, CO on this topic and are talented licensed practitioners.
– Free gift “5 Seeds of Distortion Around Love” at www.mebschooloftransformation.com
– Al-Anon
– Sex and Love Addiction Anonymous
Also, see our blog archive of Self-Mastery tips to balance all three Mind, Energy and Body systems.
